Hello, I am new to the community and with that I am slightly new to Live Journal as well. I am a very avid blogger, writing my soul out word for word like an addiction. Blogging is my escape from the world I live in of daily chronic pain. I came to Live Journal seeking support acceptance and understanding, something I never had on other blog sights in which I was a member. I am always seeking friends, as I am so tired of walking alone. I am extending an offer of friendship for everyone who wants to add me. I am a very open person, I am open with who I am and I never will try to be something I’m not, I am open with my sexuality, and I am open as a submissive involved in BDSM as a lifestyle commitment with a current Master (not my cousin). Little did I know upon signing up that I would find a community like this nor did I think I could ever share my story with any one on the topic, I am so tired of keeping it a secret it is tearing me up emotionally and I hope that I will find support, acceptance, and understanding from people who will give me their friendship. My story will be contained in a LJ cut and involves something very recent, something I need help with, something very emotional to me. So please I’m asking everyone to listen and help.
The middle of last year my father received a phone call from his nephew (my first cousin). I will call him “C”, C had been absent from the family for 24 years. The last time he seen me I was just 6 weeks old. Naturally they talked for quite some time, getting to know each other again, C asked naturally about me and my father gave him my email address and other information. Later on that night C emailed me a hello letter, we talked each day for about a month getting to know each other as cousins, C was basically a stranger to me. C was wanting to know about the family and was helping my mother with her family genealogy hobby, emailing information through me because she doesn’t know how to email. I wanted to talk more with C and get to know him and his family, but I was afraid to exchange my messenger names as it was linked with sex (I’m wild online) I didn’t want to offend him or for him to go to my father and family on what he seen and found. I created a new name, a name that was so plain and boring that it almost wasn’t me, I gave him the name and for months we chatted each night on messenger.
Then one day, the day everything changed in my head C came online it was his birthday. I had jokingly send him a forwarded email full of nude boobies, something any man would appreciate however I felt very bad and told him I was sorry, not knowing if he would take it offensive he said it was ok that he enjoyed it and no harm was done. C and I talked so much, openly, I told him things of my relationship knowing I had some trust he wouldn’t go to my father. He knew I was very sexual and dating a much older man. I had let my “innocent act” down being myself, which can come off as a flirt. He had told me some things I told him turned him on and said he was very sorry that he shouldn’t of said that. I should, I guess, of not commented like I did but I told him it made me kinda hot to think I had turned him on as my cousin. I had always had erotic thoughts prior to this about sexually being involved with a cousin; it was like a fetish come true that he was making the first attempt. I told him of that desire and he told me he had the same desire, only with me saying he seen my photo and it turned him on greatly. Next thing I knew we were involved in cyber sex, awesome cyber sex hotter then I ever had, I had lost all my attempts to be innocent, I wanted him and he wanted me.
The chats have been nice and some naughty since then. I am very doomed in every aspect I have a high desire for this naughty fun or a future involvement (which he mentioned), I have a high desire for older men (he’s 46), I have a high desire for married men (he’s married), and I have such a erotically high desire to do “devious acts”. So far we have chatted online and also phone wise (flirting sexually here and there).
I know most people are involved as a couple, but in my case do I belong here, should I think bad of what I am doing, should I stop what I am doing. We have both expressed desires to meet each other if that happens we both know what will happen. Should we meet? I’m sure if we meet it won’t be JUST FOR, well maybe 80% because we are both, deeply exited on the matter. Deeply excited, does that make me a bad person or should I just stop talking to him because every time we talk I want him even more, I want to be together with him. We have both talked about the idea of becoming a couple, running off, being together. I just don’t know what is going to become of this, I don’t think it’s bad the whole world seems to.. I know what I want to become of this –grin—am I bad for that desire? Sigh, I just don’t know what to do…